I miss you Mum

Okay so, maybe I lied
I didn't think I would make a post until after exams, but I feel obliged to make a post seeing as today, it is exactly one year since I lost my beautiful Mother.

I don't want to make the post too long because it's all very difficult to write.





Dear Mum,

I miss you beyond what words can describe. It feels so strange without you here every day, and every day I wonder if this might be a nightmare, and I'll wake up and you'll tell me everythings okay, Angel and you'll hug me till I calm down. I feel like you are so close I could touch you but I know I will never be able to until I pass on too. I can almost smell the warm coffee and sweet perfumed smell of you. I can picture you in your brown dressing gown, stepping down the stairs and giving me the most wonderful smile as you come into the livingroom and tell me some funny story or ask if I'm okay. My ultimate wish is to have you back. Even though I know these wishes won't come true, I still blow on dandelions, fallen eyelashes and birthday candles hoping that maybe one will come true. That maybe you will be back here with me where you were happy. You were beautiful inside and out and gave the best hugs in the world. I am so beyond proud to call you my Mum, and you were a perfect mother, you never ever let me down and you were always there for me. I'd like to think you are still here in some way, helping me. There are so many things I wish I'd said to you and I would do anything for just five minutes with you, even if it were in just one of my dreams. What they did to you was evil and wicked and I hope that they pay in some way for it, although I know your kindness would even extend to your murderers. I hope I can become even half the woman you are and you are my true inspiration.

The hardest thing I ever had to do and ever will do was say goodbye to you as you were sedated in a hospital bed. The tears streamed down my face and even just thinking about it makes me teary.
Know that I love you beyond words can describe my Darling. Rest in Peace, you deserve peace and love after such a hard life and struggle.

I'd like to add that I recently got a new tumblr, dear readers.

http://www.darkeyesuniverse.tumblr.com/

please check it out!

Love and Kisses
Kathryn xxx

Hello to New Beginnings

Hey,
It's been a while. I sort of have a thing for blogs but I neglect them. My last two weren't very positive, probably due to my bad state of mind at the time of composition. Yeah, maybe things are getting a little better, baby steps, one at a time. If you've not read my previous blogs, then Good. That means I can start afresh. If you have read them, then I suppose that could be a good thing too. You can see how far I've come since then, maybe?

Perhaps I should give a little background. I'm not gonna bullshit you. There's enough people in this world for that. Basically, yeah I'm kinda crazy. Bounce off the walls a lot. Not literally - that would be more fun. Ha ha. I get really upbeat then I get really low. I don't have a name for it. I'm sure there probably are hundreds of diagnoses that squeeze me into little brown boxes with nice clear white labels plastered on the front. I've been given different ones in the past, but that's not important. Giving conditions of the mind names can make you fearful of yourself. That is not a good route, I assure you.

I think I may be genetically predisposed to things like "depression" and "anxiety" but I'm unlikely to ever find that out in my lifetime and if I get the opportunity I'm sure I will turn it down. Everything has a trigger though. My Mum passed away almost a year ago now, I'd only just turned sixteen a few weeks before. I don't like my Birthday at all. I'm not going to get knee-deep in details. You don't need to know too much. She died, in a very horrific and painful-to-watch way and she still had time left but it was taken from her through Medical Negligence (which we are fighting to prove) and it makes me very angry, mixed up and numb. But mostly angry. No one likes being around me when I'm angry. Mostly because I say things that I usually regret and I'm not gonna lie, I feel like hitting people a lot.

I find it hard to describe my Mother in words. I'm not even sure how or where to begin. She smelled like warm coffee and slightly of flowers, although I can't narrow it down to a species of plant or anything. She had a difficult life. But she made mine wonderful, every day, just by being there. I'm not going to speak for my sister - this is not her words or her blog and I doubt she'll ever read any of this. But I know she felt what I felt about our Mother - there was something there that made you hopeful for humanity. All the wars and shootings and child abuse and scumbags you see every time the TV. is on and none of it stood a chance while such purity and kindness existed. It is a crime for it to be removed from this Earth with such brutality. However, I hope to find that again, in someone. Perhaps someone retains such a quality.

Jay does. I'm unsure how to tell you about Jay too. And perhaps I don't want to, just not yet. We all like to keep secrets to ourselves a little longer because they're ours, they're special and belong to us. I'll say one thing. He has the most beautiful blue eyes I've ever seen.


I think that's enough background for now. I wanted to talk about New Beginnings. They say the hardest thing in life is to say hello for the first time and goodbye for the last. I disagree. I think all Hellos are easy. It's the letting-go that is the hardest. I find it hard myself. I wanted to talk about this because everyone needs to know when something ends, something else always starts. That's not to say your ex-wife is gonna call you up tomorrow and beg for you back because she was stupid to be such a slut and cheat on you and leave you and take the kids. Sorry man. I think if you're looking for some comfort, this post can only help to a small extent. You're better trying Match.com. I'm in no way affiliated with them btw. Just saying...

I think had I told myself the New Beginnings line, oh say about two months back, I'd be in the hospital because I'd have beaten myself up. Badly. With a hammer. It's hard to think logically when your heart has been split in two, crushed underfoot and thrown against a concrete wall. Then it was forced down your throat, just enough so that every time you swallow, you feel it all coming back up, like that bad Chinese takeaway you had in December. Jokes aside, it really does feel like that. No amount of words can really repair that damage - I know that, you know that. So in no way am I going to take a superior outlook on this.

I can tell you how I've come to see the New Beginnings. This blog is proof of that. I'm going to try and give you useful information, stuff you actually want to read. Mix it up a little, yknow. But first I want you to sit back, stop pulling faces and please stop blubbering into your ice cream/vodka. By God, don't mix those together...
I've been in very low places, not too long ago. This is a kind of Catharsis hopefully to resolve all this anger and violence and rage bottled up inside. I can't say that I'll ever be fully cured from all this pain - I still have flashbacks on a loop, nightmares. I don't like hospitals and I don't trust Doctors or medical staff. I became ill of my own doing in February and the Doctor wanted a blood test. I freaked out. I don't think I'll ever really overcome that unless I get some gruelling expensive therapy, but I'm not ready for that yet.

You have to start by wanting New Beginnings. I know it took me a while to even want to live life. You have to look at everything. Look at your friends, your family, your lover. Your enemies. For some it takes five minutes. For others, months, years. Don't torture yourself because it gets you absolutely nowhere. This is just advice. I did. It didn't help but it made me feel better for a short while. I don't have all the answers right now. But if you're struggling. If you're grieving/upset/angry/ill/misunderstood. Stick with me. Stay with the blog. Just check it out every so often because perhaps one day, one post may help you. May comfort you. Or may just cheer your grumpy ass up.

So here's to fresh beginnings, hope and starting again. Screw New Year, we don't have to wait that long. Take a break, start afresh. Do what you feel is right.

Love and hugs,
Kathryn xxx