The Curse of The Star-Crossed: Time For A Revelation

Some would argue the circles of metal in their palms run this world. And in their hearts as cold as that metal, they're right. As much as we romantics would love to slap them in the face with what we hope to be the truth, we can't change how it all works, no matter how cruel and harsh we find the reality. I've been in the shoes of "the chaser" and "the reacher" my whole life, never given the opportunity to be the one in charge, the one that decides when to break hearts and when to heal them. Perhaps that's a little harsh to those that wake up one morning with all the power resting in their hands. Maybe some don't want it, maybe some don't wish to be the heart breaker. Possibly, the damnation lies in our human condition, the desire to pursue love until it's an attainable commodity that gives our lives "meaning". We are so horrified by our inherent loneliness we snatch up the nearest person, deluded by a non-existent spark, all as an elaborate protest towards our own genetic curse. I'm sure many of you are shaking your heads because you and your other half have been married for this many years or you and your partner occupied the same living space for such and such a time or the most pitiful argument yet: we had children together.

I struggle to grasp the meaning behind these empty occurrences, none of them aspiring to confirm "love". These achievements are not a certificate for you to wave around, proof of your attainment of love with another being. Even worse, there are many of us damned to maintain our own personal Hell by hovering aimlessly in the desolate state of running after a train that holds that one person we never quite get over. It's a combination of our own doing and theirs, the heart breaker. Having never gained power over another in a relationship, I cannot describe the ins and outs of such a position and I'm sure somewhere, there is a blogger blowing up their blog with rantings of the sorrowful decision of smashing another's heart. Excuse my cynicism.

Allow me to demonstrate. The Great Gatsby by F. Scott Fitzgerald. I was distraught to realise Daisy Buchanan's disgusting irresponsible lack of compassion for a man that acted only ever on her behalf. His only request; she returned his love. Her husband Tom was that revolting type that show their scruffy faces and stubborn stupidity ever once in a while. While he was choking on expensive cigars and donning pastel sweaters, he was running his nasty fingers all over every pretty woman in sight. Daisy enjoyed feigning upset, allowing Gatsby to cradle her and promise he'd fix it all for her. She frolicked at his parties with the best of them (sarcasm) and mirrored feelings to disguise the icy rot that had feasted on her heart and soul at birth. With many chances to redeem herself, including Jay's funeral, she recklessly fled with abusive hubby in tow, off to frolic into some more billionaire parties and crush some dreams with her pinkie finger. Jay Gatsby, misconstrued as a foolhardy liar, flirt and criminal with vanity as glossy as the front covers of Vogue, was really just mislead into a harsh world, hoping one day his lover would confess her feelings and grow old with him. Perhaps his redemption for being so gullible was his selfless love for Daisy, an individual so unlovable by the rest of the human population.

"I couldn’t forgive him or like him, but I saw that what he had done was, to him, entirely justified. It was all very careless and confused. They were careless people, Tom and Daisy—they smashed up things and creatures and then retreated back into their money or their vast carelessness, or whatever it was that kept them together, and let other people clean up the mess they had made."

I have been severely unfortunate in life to have kissed the lips of such people that toy with beating hearts and hopeful dreams, that dig their claws into one's skin so deep they become another limb, another part of you. They are careless types and should we romantics waste time attempting to cure the immutable of their sins? Perhaps we are better off running as fast as that speeding train, passing it by as our one unattainable lover looks on aghast and envious of our freedom to live without the chains of discontent reining us in.

Through my distraught emotional moments after stumbling into the disheartening plot and character of Daisy Buchanan, I searched for meaning and discovered it in a wonderful article speaking for the Star-Crossed chasers of true love by Clarisse Thorn.

At its worst, here are the tactics: You end up measuring every last signal of affection, to make sure it’s not an overreach or a demand. You end up asking questions to gauge his state of mind, and clenching your fists under the table until your nails cut into your palms so that you have the self-control to smile when he gives you answers you don’t want to hear. He might even notice how much pain you’re in, but you know you can’t confirm his suspicions, for fear that he’ll get stressed out and leave. So if he asks what’s wrong, then you turn away or laugh and change the subject and don’t say: What’s wrong is that I just decided this has to end, because it’s the fifth time you decided that tonight, and you know you won’t stick to it. And then you go home and use every last ounce of willpower not to call him, and hope against hope that he won’t call you, because you know you’ll pick up the phone way too fast, and be pathetically eager to do whatever he wants.

I never found the words yesterday to explain the nature of my wish to burst into tears filled with empty promises as I made a very big mistake. Even though I put every part of my heart, soul and being into it, things just didn't work out the way I'd hoped. I kissed coldly and returned home empty-handed to a barren room filled with mocking memories: reminders that I was not and could not be loved again by this boy, in any universe or circumstance. As heartbreaking as it feels, like a rocky earthquake of the cardiac muscle, I have passed by the train without bothering to wave to him.

In the words of Fitzgerald, "There are only the pursued, the pursuing, the busy, and the tired", and I am most assuredly the permanent pursuing and the tired.


(http://www.rolereboot.org/sex-and-relationships/details/2012-07-loving-someone-who-doesnt-love-you-back)

The Post-Love War: Is it all you need?

I can't say I'm terribly more qualified than the average reader in this domain. Maybe you didn't notice but seventeen years of school ties around one's neck isn't much different to a stripy noose. Even so, I can speak from personal experience but don't expect it to be decorated with billion dollar castles and dashing princes on white horses leaping out of fairy tales.

There are abundant slick little phrases that describe love, billions of books so eloquent, from Romeo and Juliet to Jane Eyre. As the tales commonly begin, I wasn't interrogating every testosterone-ridden teenage male in a five mile radius for my other half. To be honest, I can't imagine many people that would carry out such an effort. As the story usually starts, we were friends first of all. I could go as far as to argue that there were sparks immediately, perhaps in a way I had yet to fully comprehend. I need not to wander into the depths of detail and I can inform you that things soured too quickly for anyone to notice it was out of date.

Two years have shed and life is a very shaken-but-not-stirred kind of paradise. So what is this bizarre thing we dedicate so much of our limited and precious time to? Religious leaders have sworn it is the mark of Gods, mothers said it was in their smiles when they first held their babies in their arms. For decades, the great philosophers have bickered that it could be all just an illusion of the complex mind. Nowadays, animal rights activists will protest that other species are born with it too. Scientists spew out five thousand word dissertations on chemicals in the human brain in their sleep and psychologists will each individually define nature over nurture and past experiences as "the key". How can we possibly answer this question?

A different viewpoint is needed. Average out human life events. Birth, early years, school, next stage in school, university/college, work, marriage, children, more work, retirement, hobbies, grandchildren, illness and finally death. A grim description of a very normal eighty or so years. However, let's cut out the generic gooey "fall-in-love" stage.
After some careful thought, I believe our desire to love and be loved by others is our intrinsic horror of our own individuality among a pack of over seven billion, the harsh realisation of our contained impact on the globe that dies with us upon becoming an octogenarian and a defense barrier to protect us from the poisonous negativity and bitter hate that thrives within a corruptible doubtful species such as our own. And to the scientists, I must tell you that I don't quite have the same emotions munching on a chocolate bar as kissing my beloved goodbye. Chemistry isn't everything, is it, Mister Potter?

The consequences of rejecting the joy-inducing Beatles song seem rather severe. However, I think we can use our logic to say shelter and food would remain our main sustenance - unless you are a vicious love-gobbling monster going under the alias of Ian Duncan Smith. Why do we need it? Is it essential? Well yes and no. To some degree, love is a necessary ingredient for the cake of a human life to rise to proper maturity and sophistication. There are thousands of studies that state in order for your little mini-you to become the doctor/lawyer/engineer/dancer that you so hope them to be, you must love your child and show this affection on a daily basis - sounds tedious. Scum that neglect their offspring can inspire terrible events in which can land that particular kid in care, living with other family members, being bullied, assaulted, turning violent, aggressive, in trouble with the police, lonely, with mental health problems, a drug dependency or onto the streets to live or make their wage out of desperation. The list composes itself. And so, since it is essential to enable babies, infants and children to form bonds with family and others, is love so important after these developmental stages? Does it still shape us as a person during adulthood?

Again, the answer is interchangeable. We have grown up with a good childhood, minimal issues, healthy relationships with family and friends. Now what do we do? Do we still need the elixir of love? I would argue, yes. This is because in order to maintain that healthy mind and personality we require a dose every so often. And the tearful reality is that many do not reach the developmental stages with full love and support. Plenty of adults will speak of neglect and abuse present in their younger years. But now more questions have been raised than answered; What happens when we reject offerings of love?

I name this my "Post-Love" era. To the ear it sings a depressing tune but I personally find peace. Perhaps humanity has become severely dependent upon receiving lashings of love and we have detached from the selfless endurance that is caring for one without expecting a form of "payment". Suffering through rejection with an open heart is the most eye-opening glimpse of reality one could ever dream of. You might be curiously confused yet I have discovered the experience somewhat liberating. This enables you to empathise in the shoes of another, to logically piece together their situation and to apply compassion as a strong shield of armour around them. Without pain we are not "human". As an artist, I can appreciate the quaint beauty that twists through everything.
Although, I have been informed by several friends that denying love and affection is self-neglect of the mind, soul and heart and I am merely cutting off a metaphorical poisoned limb to ease the burning loneliness if I convince myself I am a better person without it. Understanding their opinion is different from accepting it. They make a fair point - to deny others is to deny our own essence and being. But I am not doing this out of spite. I think it more of a respite from constant chasing of whimsical things that are unlikely to exist and by that I mean the pursuit of one's true love. It would be very difficult as a human to not desire to believe in such a fantasy but it is in no way logical. Love exists but no two people are perfect for each other.

My motivation? Constant rejection. Loneliness. Watching marriages crumble, divorce papers flying in with the wind, rebuffed children, families separated by continents, murder, abuse of babies and infants, kids dumped in care. Surely we need to address other people's happiness instead of diving into the pool without thought to grab ours first. It's not a path I wish to jog down because it is a wasteful hateful way that will lead straight to unfulfilled dreams gathering dust on a wonky shelf. We forget we have the ability to love without being tied into a give-and-take contract.

Rejecting the common love-and-be-loved ideal does not mean you can't hum along to that catchy Beatles tune. When it's over, you should visualise all the billions of minds inspired by those words, empty hearts that found kindness in those notes, pain healed by the dedication rather than the band watching the clock spin while playing tonsil-tennis with their beloveds. Because that would be all we needed.

I miss you Mum

Okay so, maybe I lied
I didn't think I would make a post until after exams, but I feel obliged to make a post seeing as today, it is exactly one year since I lost my beautiful Mother.

I don't want to make the post too long because it's all very difficult to write.





Dear Mum,

I miss you beyond what words can describe. It feels so strange without you here every day, and every day I wonder if this might be a nightmare, and I'll wake up and you'll tell me everythings okay, Angel and you'll hug me till I calm down. I feel like you are so close I could touch you but I know I will never be able to until I pass on too. I can almost smell the warm coffee and sweet perfumed smell of you. I can picture you in your brown dressing gown, stepping down the stairs and giving me the most wonderful smile as you come into the livingroom and tell me some funny story or ask if I'm okay. My ultimate wish is to have you back. Even though I know these wishes won't come true, I still blow on dandelions, fallen eyelashes and birthday candles hoping that maybe one will come true. That maybe you will be back here with me where you were happy. You were beautiful inside and out and gave the best hugs in the world. I am so beyond proud to call you my Mum, and you were a perfect mother, you never ever let me down and you were always there for me. I'd like to think you are still here in some way, helping me. There are so many things I wish I'd said to you and I would do anything for just five minutes with you, even if it were in just one of my dreams. What they did to you was evil and wicked and I hope that they pay in some way for it, although I know your kindness would even extend to your murderers. I hope I can become even half the woman you are and you are my true inspiration.

The hardest thing I ever had to do and ever will do was say goodbye to you as you were sedated in a hospital bed. The tears streamed down my face and even just thinking about it makes me teary.
Know that I love you beyond words can describe my Darling. Rest in Peace, you deserve peace and love after such a hard life and struggle.

I'd like to add that I recently got a new tumblr, dear readers.

http://www.darkeyesuniverse.tumblr.com/

please check it out!

Love and Kisses
Kathryn xxx

Collision

Hey,

It's been a while since my last post, and to be fair it was pretty crappy post. Exams are coming up so this is most likely the last post before I sit my Higher Exams and set the path for my future I suppose. One main worry has been the focus of my mind lately but it's not something I can be sure of - to truly know I'd have to put my trust in a type of people I can never trust, so I'm sort of trapped in this position. But in my head, I know I'm right: it would explain a hell of a lot!

So I was bored while studying chemistry and my mind started to wander. I started thinking about collision, but not the science kind. Take a moment to think about it. Everything collides with each other. Your body - if things worked individually, you would die. In the street, if traffic lights worked independently of the actual traffic flow, all would be disrupted and chaos would ensue. It's sort of like our lives.

I'm sure we've all met people that are almost magnetic - you are drawn to them, and sometimes they are drawn to you. Something is sending you together, whether they be a friend, a lover or even just a family member you haven't met before. I feel lucky that I have several people in this category. I'm not sure whether its a sign that they will become great people, and by great I meant special/influential, whatever. Or whether they will just be very important to you or carry out some important task that's connected to your life. It might be all three, or it might just be crazy chemicals in your brain. But I feel science has already proved that chemicals in the brain aren't just rubbish - they're important. 

So why is it these people exist? I think they must serve some purpose that is interconnected with us in some way. Because every little thing is connected to and relies on, each other. Sometimes, moments in time, or physical places impact with us. These moments, so electrically charged with emotion and power, create us. Like the big bang, only they impact our personality, our life, our way of thinking. Sometimes it's a song or an object. But there are always moments, greatly happy in our memory or terribly sad. I can name several of mine. Most people will share common ones, like your first kiss or being in a car crash. Yet they still remain wholly ours. Completely individual.

These moments make us who we are. These magnetic people shape us. I'm sure your parents always told you, what you do will have consequences. And anything you do will have consequences, even something good you do could have bad consequences. The moments that impact us, it's what we do with them that ultimately makes us.

There are billions of possible futures, billions of possible paths we could be taken down. It is not the destination it is the Journey that is us. We have so many opportunities and there are so many moments that impact us. Be grateful for the good ones, and stay strong through the bad ones.




I'll post after exams!
Love
Kathryn xxx

And Action! (My Top 5 Quirky Movies)

Hey,
The weather here in Glasgow is set to pick up and I'm glad for the sunshine. Exams aren't too long away but the sooner they are over the better. So guys, I thought you'd like to here some of my top movies, this post being Quriky movies. Films that are young, maybe a bit weird, like that one wild older cousin we all have who has an unhealthy obsession with Vintage clothing. Here you go:


5) Youth in Revolt

Directed by Miguel Arteta in 2009, Youth in Revolt is a hilarious Drama/Romantic Comedy (although it's not overly romantic tbh) about Nick Twisp (played by the Young King of Comedy himself, Michael Cera) whose parents are on the verge of divorce. He sets his sights on his dream girl Sheeni Saunders (played by the wonderful Portia Doubleday) and desperately tries to get her to like him.

Seriously, everyone needs to see this. It is beyond hilarious, with a nice depth to it (suppose that's the slightly Romantic side). There are a few cringey moments however I can say it is pretty parent friendly as movies go nowadays. I watched it with my Mum and we both loved the film. It was uplifting and so funny. Michael Cera is amazeballs, as shown in Adventureland and many of his other movies. Credit has to be given where credit as due, as Portia is just brilliant! I cannot emphasise how much you all need to watch this, boys and girls a like.
Great for Dates and Summer Blues!!! Now go see it!

4) Silver Linings Playbook

Taking you forward to 2012, SLP is a beautiful movie directed by David O' Russell adapted from the novel of Sir Genius Matthew Quick. I would personally like to shake this mans hand. You sir, are a Genius. Embrace it. Saying this, I actually haven't read the Novel yet, however I will get round to it this Summer - It's on my reading list I swear!

After a period of 8 months in a Mental Institution, ex-teacher Pat Solitano (the gorgeous and talented Mister Bradley Cooper) returns to live with his parents, his father Pat Sr. (played by Robert De Niro). Pat finds that reconciling with ex-wife is going to be harder than he first thought, after the incident 8 months ago. He unintentionally seeks the help of quirky mysterious Tiffany (played by my girl-crush Jennifer Lawrence).

I thought this was going to be pretty off-the-wall and I didn't think my Dad would like it however he did as it wasn't as completely off-the-wall as would be expected. Sir Bradley Cooper is beautiful to look at (obviously) and his acting is impeccable, truthful and believable. I was crying with laughter at the beginning because the lines are so sharp and witty. A wonderful movie to watch, parent friendly and a nice change with the different topic and style compared to the usual boy-meets-girl crap nowadays. Personally, I would say Lawrence is at her best in this and certainly earned that Oscar. A Must-See. Perfect for Dates or Chilling out with some friends.

3) Midnight in Paris

Directed by Woody Allen in 2011, Midnight in Paris is one of those movies I have watched countless times. It's also one of my Dad's favourites. It's one for the Art lovers.
Gil (played by quirky Owen Wilson) is a successful writer who is struggling with his first Novel. He has travelled to Paris with his pretentious fiance Inez (played perfectly by one of my favourite actresses, Rachel McAdams) and they are joined by her parents who are on a business trip. Gil falls head-over-heels in love with Paris and wants to move there after they are married but Inez does not see the beauty of Paris. He goes for a walk at Midnight which changes his life - he is propelled back into the Revolutionary-Rich age of the 1920's and meets some of his heroes.

This is a wonderful movie! It highlights the beauty of Paris and the 1920's (one of my favourite time periods) in a perfect nostalgic way that's just so watchable. There are some good laughs especially the portrayals of Ernest Hemmingway (played hilariously by Corey Stoll) and Salavdor Dali  (played wonderfully by Adrien Brody). The big names only add to the ambiance as Marion Cotillard, another of my favourites, who plays Adriana is wonderful as is Tom Hiddleston who plays Fitzgerald and Michael Sheen who plays John (although we don't see much of the last two). Look out for Lea Seydoux - French model and Actress. 

It's lighthearted and more gentle than other films so it's perfect for Art Lovers and watching with the family.

2) Nick and Norah's Infinite Playlist

Let me take you back to the year of 2008, when Swine Flu was lurking about and the Shannon Matthews Case hit Britain over the head. Nick and Norah's Infinite Playlist directed by Peter Sollett and adapted from the Novel by Rachel Cohn, is a wonderful comedy that focuses on Music and Young Love. It's certainly one for Music Enthusiasts.

Band member Nick O' Leary (played by the wonderful Michael Cera - anyone else thinks he loves playing people called Nick??) meets Senior Norah Silverberg (Kat Dennings), an acquaintance of his recently-ex girlfriend, Tris. In the club, Nick sees Tris is with another guy and is amazed she could have moved on so quickly. After being dissed by Tris, Norah asks Nick to pretend to be her boyfriend in order to look cool. Throughout the film, Norah searches for her friend Caroline with Nick and his band, The Jerk Offs, help while they also look for the mysterious "Where's Fluffy?" concert. It is an awesome movie, on level 99 of Badassery (This Term Is Property Of Scott)

This film is one of the main reasons I love Michael Cera. Kat Dennings is wonderfully down-to-earth and the movie is quirky and a good easy watch. It's less parent-friendly in some places as there's a few references/scenes that may be not to their taste. It's a Must-See people! Perfect for Music Lovers and Sleepovers!

1) The Perks of Being a Wallflower

This is an epic movie. Based on the critically acclaimed Novel by Stephen Chbosky (who also directed it), The Perks of Being a Wallflower graced out screens in 2012. This is another one for Music Lovers however music is more of a theme. Logan Lerman plays Charlie, a mentally-troubled 15 year old trying to come to terms with the suicide of his best friend and the death of his Aunt Helen as he starts high school. He wishes to find a group where he belongs and finds this with Patrick (the epic Ezra Miller from We Need to Talk About Kevin) and his step-sister Sam (the beautiful and talented Miss Emma Watson). They unleash a different world for Charlie.

This is one of my absolute favourites. I've watched it countless times and the depth still gets me. Charlie's character is very easy to like and for me, he's very easy to connect with. Sam and Patrick also resemble some of my close friends. It's beautifully filmed and the acting is exceptional! Not really parent friendly due to some of the themes and the references but still a great movie. GO AND WATCH IT NOW!

Happy Movie Watching!
Love,
Kathryn xxx