The Curse of The Star-Crossed: Time For A Revelation

Some would argue the circles of metal in their palms run this world. And in their hearts as cold as that metal, they're right. As much as we romantics would love to slap them in the face with what we hope to be the truth, we can't change how it all works, no matter how cruel and harsh we find the reality. I've been in the shoes of "the chaser" and "the reacher" my whole life, never given the opportunity to be the one in charge, the one that decides when to break hearts and when to heal them. Perhaps that's a little harsh to those that wake up one morning with all the power resting in their hands. Maybe some don't want it, maybe some don't wish to be the heart breaker. Possibly, the damnation lies in our human condition, the desire to pursue love until it's an attainable commodity that gives our lives "meaning". We are so horrified by our inherent loneliness we snatch up the nearest person, deluded by a non-existent spark, all as an elaborate protest towards our own genetic curse. I'm sure many of you are shaking your heads because you and your other half have been married for this many years or you and your partner occupied the same living space for such and such a time or the most pitiful argument yet: we had children together.

I struggle to grasp the meaning behind these empty occurrences, none of them aspiring to confirm "love". These achievements are not a certificate for you to wave around, proof of your attainment of love with another being. Even worse, there are many of us damned to maintain our own personal Hell by hovering aimlessly in the desolate state of running after a train that holds that one person we never quite get over. It's a combination of our own doing and theirs, the heart breaker. Having never gained power over another in a relationship, I cannot describe the ins and outs of such a position and I'm sure somewhere, there is a blogger blowing up their blog with rantings of the sorrowful decision of smashing another's heart. Excuse my cynicism.

Allow me to demonstrate. The Great Gatsby by F. Scott Fitzgerald. I was distraught to realise Daisy Buchanan's disgusting irresponsible lack of compassion for a man that acted only ever on her behalf. His only request; she returned his love. Her husband Tom was that revolting type that show their scruffy faces and stubborn stupidity ever once in a while. While he was choking on expensive cigars and donning pastel sweaters, he was running his nasty fingers all over every pretty woman in sight. Daisy enjoyed feigning upset, allowing Gatsby to cradle her and promise he'd fix it all for her. She frolicked at his parties with the best of them (sarcasm) and mirrored feelings to disguise the icy rot that had feasted on her heart and soul at birth. With many chances to redeem herself, including Jay's funeral, she recklessly fled with abusive hubby in tow, off to frolic into some more billionaire parties and crush some dreams with her pinkie finger. Jay Gatsby, misconstrued as a foolhardy liar, flirt and criminal with vanity as glossy as the front covers of Vogue, was really just mislead into a harsh world, hoping one day his lover would confess her feelings and grow old with him. Perhaps his redemption for being so gullible was his selfless love for Daisy, an individual so unlovable by the rest of the human population.

"I couldn’t forgive him or like him, but I saw that what he had done was, to him, entirely justified. It was all very careless and confused. They were careless people, Tom and Daisy—they smashed up things and creatures and then retreated back into their money or their vast carelessness, or whatever it was that kept them together, and let other people clean up the mess they had made."

I have been severely unfortunate in life to have kissed the lips of such people that toy with beating hearts and hopeful dreams, that dig their claws into one's skin so deep they become another limb, another part of you. They are careless types and should we romantics waste time attempting to cure the immutable of their sins? Perhaps we are better off running as fast as that speeding train, passing it by as our one unattainable lover looks on aghast and envious of our freedom to live without the chains of discontent reining us in.

Through my distraught emotional moments after stumbling into the disheartening plot and character of Daisy Buchanan, I searched for meaning and discovered it in a wonderful article speaking for the Star-Crossed chasers of true love by Clarisse Thorn.

At its worst, here are the tactics: You end up measuring every last signal of affection, to make sure it’s not an overreach or a demand. You end up asking questions to gauge his state of mind, and clenching your fists under the table until your nails cut into your palms so that you have the self-control to smile when he gives you answers you don’t want to hear. He might even notice how much pain you’re in, but you know you can’t confirm his suspicions, for fear that he’ll get stressed out and leave. So if he asks what’s wrong, then you turn away or laugh and change the subject and don’t say: What’s wrong is that I just decided this has to end, because it’s the fifth time you decided that tonight, and you know you won’t stick to it. And then you go home and use every last ounce of willpower not to call him, and hope against hope that he won’t call you, because you know you’ll pick up the phone way too fast, and be pathetically eager to do whatever he wants.

I never found the words yesterday to explain the nature of my wish to burst into tears filled with empty promises as I made a very big mistake. Even though I put every part of my heart, soul and being into it, things just didn't work out the way I'd hoped. I kissed coldly and returned home empty-handed to a barren room filled with mocking memories: reminders that I was not and could not be loved again by this boy, in any universe or circumstance. As heartbreaking as it feels, like a rocky earthquake of the cardiac muscle, I have passed by the train without bothering to wave to him.

In the words of Fitzgerald, "There are only the pursued, the pursuing, the busy, and the tired", and I am most assuredly the permanent pursuing and the tired.


(http://www.rolereboot.org/sex-and-relationships/details/2012-07-loving-someone-who-doesnt-love-you-back)

Morality In The Modern World: Mactoism

Deciding on your own moral "code" to live by can be a difficult task. It helps to read the philosophies of those before us, however I believe it more desirable to form ethics of our own making in order to facilitate challenges of the modern world. I must not take credit for the influences of Existentialism and Stoicism.

I believe there are principles in which we must abide by to live a "good" life. The word "Macto" in Latin means to fight, to magnify, glorify, honour, slay. As tradition goes, most factions of ethics have a particular name. I have decided Mactoism fits the bill for my particular beliefs.

Equality
The most important human "law" must be fairness for all. To treat others as you would have them treat you. In order to maintain dignity and live a "good" life we must ensure all others have as many opportunities as ourselves. This effectively sets "the class system" as void. The challenge is to set others as your priority, above yourself and your own needs, even your very life must be put to the side if the situation calls for it. Each individual's life is worth as much as the next, despite wealth, quality of life, disability, group associated with or family status. No one is better than another. In the end we are all just piles of bones in the ground and we should take it upon ourselves to rise above petty childishness that causes terrible evil to be committed. To lead a "good" life, in situations that require us to save other people, we are obligated to put them first even if we should lose our lives in the process. Equality also includes other species and the environment that deserve respect. No one gets left behind.

Bravery
By following the human "laws", we must first be concrete in our beliefs and stay true to them unless we are called to a greater need that trumps our laws. If so, it is our responsibility to change our views accordingly after thinking deeply about what the changes require us to do. Despite all adversity, we must maintain our "self" by in-keeping with what we believe to be "good" and "righteous" and avoiding what we deem to be "evil", "unproductive" and "unnecessarily harsh". In order to completely carry out true equality, we require extreme courage to put other people selflessly before ourselves, especially if the process endangers our very lives. However, this remains a choice and if not chosen freely by the individual, the act becomes void and the "good" done is rendered nonexistent. This is also the case should the individual seek reward, profit or glory for their "good" act. The latter would be a worse damage on society and would bring great shame upon the individual that desired the idolisation. Living with courage and bravery and conviction leads to selfless love of others and that itself is "good".

Individual Development
As an intellectual species, we must maintain a certain "standard" of thought. We must aspire to gain further knowledge, deep wisdom and curiosity for the world around us to develop as "good" well-balanced persons. Possessing an impartial, unbiased mind throughout our lifetime enables us to fully induce equality and make quick yet right decisions. As humans, we are given a special ability to think, question and investigate with our powerful brains and to disregard this duty to ourselves and society would be deemed "unproductive". We are effectively protectors of our own progress and it is important to nourish our skills. We should strive to change the world around us for the better.

Endurance
With life comes both pain and joy. It is extremely important to accept the inevitability of one's death and to conquer the fear of such an end when it is impossible to stop. One should not be frightened by the prospect and in fact welcome it at the time it happens as the mind and essence is at peace. However, we must not squander our talents by indulging in excessive means such as food, drugs, alcohol and one must not become "reckless" or "foolish". These are deemed shameful and should be avoided at all times. Bravery must be contained in an appropriate fashion to ensure we follow the right path for the circumstances. Pain should not be feared but embraced as a typical symptom of life or payment for the ability to be alive. Pain and fulfilment are illusions of life: one does not exist without the other and death is our rest from fighting and enduring. However, one should not seek out pain deliberately to spite ourselves or others as this is unhealthy and damaging to our very unique essence. All those that do so should be treated sensitively but should not be shamed. To love our enemies, those that oppose us and those we do not know is the endurance of pain and difficulties of life and is perhaps the most admirable strength within an individual.

Honesty and Authenticity
To live as a "good and righteous" individual, we must be true to our inner essence. This echoes the principle of bravery in stablising one's beliefs and sticking to them unless a higher law demands evaluation of them. Living an authentic life, we must not relabel valuable things such as love, sex, family, friendship and having children as merely trivial. To stay honest to oneself and the rest of society, we must strive to reach our full potential and be our "full selves" or our true essence. Honesty in all acts must remain a priority and lies should be avoided if possible. This maintains us as "good" well-balanced people that will benefit society and the world by working hard to the best of our abilities.

The Post-Love War: Is it all you need?

I can't say I'm terribly more qualified than the average reader in this domain. Maybe you didn't notice but seventeen years of school ties around one's neck isn't much different to a stripy noose. Even so, I can speak from personal experience but don't expect it to be decorated with billion dollar castles and dashing princes on white horses leaping out of fairy tales.

There are abundant slick little phrases that describe love, billions of books so eloquent, from Romeo and Juliet to Jane Eyre. As the tales commonly begin, I wasn't interrogating every testosterone-ridden teenage male in a five mile radius for my other half. To be honest, I can't imagine many people that would carry out such an effort. As the story usually starts, we were friends first of all. I could go as far as to argue that there were sparks immediately, perhaps in a way I had yet to fully comprehend. I need not to wander into the depths of detail and I can inform you that things soured too quickly for anyone to notice it was out of date.

Two years have shed and life is a very shaken-but-not-stirred kind of paradise. So what is this bizarre thing we dedicate so much of our limited and precious time to? Religious leaders have sworn it is the mark of Gods, mothers said it was in their smiles when they first held their babies in their arms. For decades, the great philosophers have bickered that it could be all just an illusion of the complex mind. Nowadays, animal rights activists will protest that other species are born with it too. Scientists spew out five thousand word dissertations on chemicals in the human brain in their sleep and psychologists will each individually define nature over nurture and past experiences as "the key". How can we possibly answer this question?

A different viewpoint is needed. Average out human life events. Birth, early years, school, next stage in school, university/college, work, marriage, children, more work, retirement, hobbies, grandchildren, illness and finally death. A grim description of a very normal eighty or so years. However, let's cut out the generic gooey "fall-in-love" stage.
After some careful thought, I believe our desire to love and be loved by others is our intrinsic horror of our own individuality among a pack of over seven billion, the harsh realisation of our contained impact on the globe that dies with us upon becoming an octogenarian and a defense barrier to protect us from the poisonous negativity and bitter hate that thrives within a corruptible doubtful species such as our own. And to the scientists, I must tell you that I don't quite have the same emotions munching on a chocolate bar as kissing my beloved goodbye. Chemistry isn't everything, is it, Mister Potter?

The consequences of rejecting the joy-inducing Beatles song seem rather severe. However, I think we can use our logic to say shelter and food would remain our main sustenance - unless you are a vicious love-gobbling monster going under the alias of Ian Duncan Smith. Why do we need it? Is it essential? Well yes and no. To some degree, love is a necessary ingredient for the cake of a human life to rise to proper maturity and sophistication. There are thousands of studies that state in order for your little mini-you to become the doctor/lawyer/engineer/dancer that you so hope them to be, you must love your child and show this affection on a daily basis - sounds tedious. Scum that neglect their offspring can inspire terrible events in which can land that particular kid in care, living with other family members, being bullied, assaulted, turning violent, aggressive, in trouble with the police, lonely, with mental health problems, a drug dependency or onto the streets to live or make their wage out of desperation. The list composes itself. And so, since it is essential to enable babies, infants and children to form bonds with family and others, is love so important after these developmental stages? Does it still shape us as a person during adulthood?

Again, the answer is interchangeable. We have grown up with a good childhood, minimal issues, healthy relationships with family and friends. Now what do we do? Do we still need the elixir of love? I would argue, yes. This is because in order to maintain that healthy mind and personality we require a dose every so often. And the tearful reality is that many do not reach the developmental stages with full love and support. Plenty of adults will speak of neglect and abuse present in their younger years. But now more questions have been raised than answered; What happens when we reject offerings of love?

I name this my "Post-Love" era. To the ear it sings a depressing tune but I personally find peace. Perhaps humanity has become severely dependent upon receiving lashings of love and we have detached from the selfless endurance that is caring for one without expecting a form of "payment". Suffering through rejection with an open heart is the most eye-opening glimpse of reality one could ever dream of. You might be curiously confused yet I have discovered the experience somewhat liberating. This enables you to empathise in the shoes of another, to logically piece together their situation and to apply compassion as a strong shield of armour around them. Without pain we are not "human". As an artist, I can appreciate the quaint beauty that twists through everything.
Although, I have been informed by several friends that denying love and affection is self-neglect of the mind, soul and heart and I am merely cutting off a metaphorical poisoned limb to ease the burning loneliness if I convince myself I am a better person without it. Understanding their opinion is different from accepting it. They make a fair point - to deny others is to deny our own essence and being. But I am not doing this out of spite. I think it more of a respite from constant chasing of whimsical things that are unlikely to exist and by that I mean the pursuit of one's true love. It would be very difficult as a human to not desire to believe in such a fantasy but it is in no way logical. Love exists but no two people are perfect for each other.

My motivation? Constant rejection. Loneliness. Watching marriages crumble, divorce papers flying in with the wind, rebuffed children, families separated by continents, murder, abuse of babies and infants, kids dumped in care. Surely we need to address other people's happiness instead of diving into the pool without thought to grab ours first. It's not a path I wish to jog down because it is a wasteful hateful way that will lead straight to unfulfilled dreams gathering dust on a wonky shelf. We forget we have the ability to love without being tied into a give-and-take contract.

Rejecting the common love-and-be-loved ideal does not mean you can't hum along to that catchy Beatles tune. When it's over, you should visualise all the billions of minds inspired by those words, empty hearts that found kindness in those notes, pain healed by the dedication rather than the band watching the clock spin while playing tonsil-tennis with their beloveds. Because that would be all we needed.

The Old Lie - Dulce et decorum est pro patria mori

The truth has a way of leaching out from under the cold steel boot of oppressors. Modern-day Britain is an inherent disgrace to all freedom fighters of the French and Russian revolutions and those shining leaders of equality such as Malala Yousafzai. We must be rendered repulsive to the eyes of others and hopefully, to our own. I stumbled, very gladly, upon a wondrously truthful article written on an idealistic British revolution of which I am a big dreamer. Kevin McKenna, I salute you Sir!

Some of us are asking the same questions of ourselves in 2013: why, in the face of so much inequality, corporate dishonesty, police brutality and political corruption, do we simply grumble and stage good-natured and orderly marches, with multigrain sandwiches and infants in prams? Why do we continue to be bought off with endless royal jubilees, worthless Olympiads and the creeping militarisation of a country whose soldiers are treated like heroes for fighting wars against developing world nations?

This is a very important revelation. Why have we not rid ourselves of oppression and corrupt governments? We, the people, are the cogs of our country, it is our pockets that should dictate the economy that we found ruined by green-finger bankers and scheming politicians. I share with Mr McKenna the disdain for purposeless Royal occasions that glamourise the wealth of a sole ruling family, an extremely outdated idealism that the British people should view as totally superfluous. How is it that deep-pocketed Cameron, in his whimsical delusions, believes sporting events with the world's athletes bring England, Scotland, Ireland and Wales together? Meanwhile, this Tory git will have us brainwashed into leaving the EU?! Wake up people! To have a proper Union means equality, not a dictatorship by English government draining all resources from it's neighbours and belittling it's own citizens! We pat our children shoulders when they are off to war yet we do not stop to think they are murdering innocent human beings in another country or even still, fighting groups such as the Taliban, but it is not our war to fight. Yes, we MUST help those people. Yes, we cannot sit still twiddling our thumbs. However, we are an intelligent people lucky enough to have the resources so readily available in the West. We have the ability to treat the wounded, send aid and money, find compromises, form treaties. We abuse our power like America and allow them to lead us to slaughter like the pied piper removing the vulnerable children from their hometown. Who says that other countries cannot have weapons? If we have them, which we should not, why should they not be allowed the "protection" we deem necessary for ourselves? The hypocrisy is rife!

And again, Cameron would wish us to isolate ourselves from the EU, to abandon our allies. This is a petty move of an inexperienced leader.

While Vodafone, Google, Rangers FC and hundreds of other major companies have been allowed to deprive the exchequer of billions in tax revenues, the Westminster government remains focused on doing what the Conservatives have been doing for hundreds of years: penalising the poor.

The Conservatives are only interested in the coins in their hands and the notes in their obese wallets. Find a redeeming quality of this outdated party and I will diligently eat Bart Simpson's shorts! The problem in Britain today is the lack of parties for the people, by the people. Labour have withered away with Ed Milliband's incoherent speeches anesthetizing the electorate and the influx of posh Eaton schoolboys humming and hawing and copying the Conservatives. Meanwhile the Libdems scored several damning own-goals almost, it seems, deliberately under Whats-His-Face's order. Ah yes, Nick Clegg. I'd forgotten his name for a while... It's a pity because I had decent respect for Libdem policies until they got into bed with Cameron avec cronies and came up with fleas (or Gonorrhea). As a sufferer of depression, when asked my mood on a scale of one to ten, I feel pictures pre- and post-election of Mr Clegg's face sum it up nicely. Need I even bother mentioning the scum of BNP/UKIP a.k.a borderline-Nazi racists? I am not a supporter of Scottish Independence personally, however I can see the glittering nation in the horizon as easily as the next Nationalist and it sure beats the pathetic spineless crowd of tight-upper lipped buffoons squabbling over who has more money, that are running the UK at the moment. My only hope seems the Green Party and even their efforts are, at best, weak and ignored easily. Perhaps some young revolutionists would like to step up and campaign? They have my vote already.

Many of those who are seeking their battered tins of spaghetti hoops or bashed packets of pasta are not the feckless drug- and alcohol-addicted workshy of popular rightwing myth. According to one charity organiser in Glasgow's East End I talked to last week, these are people who often have to accept scandalously low-paid work simply because they don't want to take benefits. In the winter, they will be penalised again when the cartelism of the energy companies kicks in and they can only afford to heat one room in their home.

I think some of you may have forgotten the times before pensions and decent human rights. The government believed the poor were poor because they were lazy. This is the exact level of mind control the Tories are polluting us with today! Benefits are not for the lazy - they are for the poor, the sick, the single parents, those who are desperate for a job to feed their family. We work just as hard as the billionaires, perhaps even more! Those who strike are not time-wasters, they are utilising a right that more of us should exercise. You'll sit there and compliment the cinematography of Les Mis yet you are blind to the message; you feel sorry for the characters in the movie? Then plug in your brain, see what is happening on your own turf.

Not long ago, these people would have been able to turn to the Labour party and the trade unions to fight their corner, but those days are long gone. These days, strike action is confined to boutique one-day stoppages. If people begin to make rude messages with their fingers or snarl at the police who will outnumber them two to one, then they will be kettled and jostled by our state-licensed knuckle-draggers.

The Labour party, meanwhile, has been kidnapped by a shower of unprincipled Oxbridge careerists and their utterly useless Scottish concubines.

The real wonder of the 2011 riots in England and Wales isn't that they happened at all but that there weren't more of them, that they didn't last longer and that there was so little violence. A British revolution is long, long overdue … but perhaps we simply don't deserve one.

We must fight for our own rights because these snobs we name politicians will only fight for their own. I was baffled by the opinions of ignorant twats that claimed the riots were "evil". Yes, I understand that complaint from a parent that lost their son or daughter in the violence but not ordinary citizens. Am I missing something? Has everyone gone mad? The old lie -  Dulce et decorum est pro patria mori - what is the point when you fight for a country that does not fight for you?

[http://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2013/jun/16/britain-needs-a-revolution]

The Jolly Old Tommy Robinson and His Band of Not-So-Merry Followers

Perhaps it's been too long that I have not posted. However several topics have come to my attention that I was compelled to bring up. The first on my kill list was most definitely Tommy Robinson, founder of the English Defense League. Most assuredly, will it go on my list of badly abbreviated groups with un-flowing initials.

Now you'd be forgiven for thinking this man shares a similar name to the lovely Tony Robinson of Blackadder and the voice for many intriguing historical documentaries. Upon watching this morning's Sunday Morning Live, I was faced with the twisted slime-ball that is the Tommy Robinson of the English Defense League. Deceivingly, he strikes one as the typical football-mad loud-voiced English gentleman but watch and listen a little longer and you will be slapped in the face with extremist Anti-Everything views that regurgitate in a putrid green slime from his over-sized gob. Too harsh? On the contrary, as this man, despite his protests and badly-deflecting arguments, is just another echo of the likes of the BNP and UKIP and you could even go as far as comparing EDL to the same species as the brown shirts of the 1930's. A bigot is he, that believes that all Muslims, yes, ALL are to blame for the minuscule populace that dabble knee-deep in extremist codswallop. Perhaps a little hypocrisy is flowing through this dim-wit's half brain because I think the statement that is very appropriate at this moment, and takes us all back to our school days, is the wondrously-useful "It takes one to know one!"

I have become increasingly concerned with the British media's portrayal (We shall come to the issue of Media Regulation in another post soon) of ALL Muslims as a people to be fearful and suspicious of. Again, the depiction is reminiscent of the disgusting Nazi cartoons that showed Jews as rats to be stamped out. As a young person with many friends of different religions, nationalities, sexualities and beliefs, I find is repulsive that this stereotype is allowed to live and breathe. To quote a fantastically-insane Royal, "Off with their heads!" Religion and State have no place being entangled and we do not wish a repeat of the Theocracy of the Puritans in America. All religions, no matter how strange they seem, everyone on British soil has the right to a freedom to practice their belief system of choice. However, extremists sadly take this as an invitation to live without being attacked yet pick and choose the laws that they themselves wish to follow. Islam is a religion that teaches peace. As a wandering atheist, I would say that all religions have their flaws, all religions have those that misinterpret messages, all religions have extremists. Also we must not forget the majority of religious scriptures were composed in ages where women had next to no rights, homosexuality was regarded a disease and the disabled were shunned from society. So with a pinch of salt, we must put on our 21st-Century spectacles when we examine any teachings. It is wrong to punish a collective for the mistakes and sins of an individual or band of individuals.

Maybe a little example is in order. Take a serial killer. Imagine for forty years, they got away with hundreds of crimes, tallying up a high rate of victims. But they maintain the pretense of an ordinary man or woman, married, with children. Ask yourselves now, would it be right for those children to be constantly punished, bullied and even put on trial for their father or mother's crimes? No, of course not! Then why should all Muslims be held accountable for the actions of a minority of extremists? The answer does not change.

Not shockingly, when attempted to be spoken to, when others opposing Mr Robinson's views wish to discuss in an adult manner, Tommy enjoys squealing at the top of his lungs like a pig ready for slaughter. And may I say, the noise of the pig is certainly cuter. Dear old EDL like to claim that their group is not for Nazis and the like and is integrating with homosexuals, Sikhs and the working class. Ha! I scoff at your vile lies, Tommy! Someones been a naughty boy. And not in the cool sense.
Of course, many in Britain would propose that Tommy does sew the seeds of some rational ideas and opinions but merely builds on them in an aggressive manner. Perhaps there could be flecks of truth dwelling at the bottom of the pond but you must fish them out carefully to avoid being sucked into Mr Robinson's games. Yes, extremism must be taken care of, yet more importantly I think the bullying of others, those of a different religion or nationality or group, should be a priority. Why is it on a plane, the Muslim gentleman with a beard is given daggers but yet the violent verbally-abusive parent screaming at their child is not and the rowdy students chanting in a pre-drunk squawking enough to make migraines infectious throughout the cabin, are completely respected? Individuals are accountable for their own actions. Do not fall into the trap EDL have covered up with leaves.

Now to the English Defense League, I send my hopes for the best, the best being the dying out of their vomit-inducing beliefs that pollute the air of our beautiful island. Dear old Tommy Robinson, for you my ignorant little racist, I ask that you return from whence you came, this being whatever dark realm you slithered out of when the rancid aroma of bigotry swept up your reptilian nostrils. Good day to you Sir.

Viva La Multiculturalism! 

I miss you Mum

Okay so, maybe I lied
I didn't think I would make a post until after exams, but I feel obliged to make a post seeing as today, it is exactly one year since I lost my beautiful Mother.

I don't want to make the post too long because it's all very difficult to write.





Dear Mum,

I miss you beyond what words can describe. It feels so strange without you here every day, and every day I wonder if this might be a nightmare, and I'll wake up and you'll tell me everythings okay, Angel and you'll hug me till I calm down. I feel like you are so close I could touch you but I know I will never be able to until I pass on too. I can almost smell the warm coffee and sweet perfumed smell of you. I can picture you in your brown dressing gown, stepping down the stairs and giving me the most wonderful smile as you come into the livingroom and tell me some funny story or ask if I'm okay. My ultimate wish is to have you back. Even though I know these wishes won't come true, I still blow on dandelions, fallen eyelashes and birthday candles hoping that maybe one will come true. That maybe you will be back here with me where you were happy. You were beautiful inside and out and gave the best hugs in the world. I am so beyond proud to call you my Mum, and you were a perfect mother, you never ever let me down and you were always there for me. I'd like to think you are still here in some way, helping me. There are so many things I wish I'd said to you and I would do anything for just five minutes with you, even if it were in just one of my dreams. What they did to you was evil and wicked and I hope that they pay in some way for it, although I know your kindness would even extend to your murderers. I hope I can become even half the woman you are and you are my true inspiration.

The hardest thing I ever had to do and ever will do was say goodbye to you as you were sedated in a hospital bed. The tears streamed down my face and even just thinking about it makes me teary.
Know that I love you beyond words can describe my Darling. Rest in Peace, you deserve peace and love after such a hard life and struggle.

I'd like to add that I recently got a new tumblr, dear readers.

http://www.darkeyesuniverse.tumblr.com/

please check it out!

Love and Kisses
Kathryn xxx

Collision

Hey,

It's been a while since my last post, and to be fair it was pretty crappy post. Exams are coming up so this is most likely the last post before I sit my Higher Exams and set the path for my future I suppose. One main worry has been the focus of my mind lately but it's not something I can be sure of - to truly know I'd have to put my trust in a type of people I can never trust, so I'm sort of trapped in this position. But in my head, I know I'm right: it would explain a hell of a lot!

So I was bored while studying chemistry and my mind started to wander. I started thinking about collision, but not the science kind. Take a moment to think about it. Everything collides with each other. Your body - if things worked individually, you would die. In the street, if traffic lights worked independently of the actual traffic flow, all would be disrupted and chaos would ensue. It's sort of like our lives.

I'm sure we've all met people that are almost magnetic - you are drawn to them, and sometimes they are drawn to you. Something is sending you together, whether they be a friend, a lover or even just a family member you haven't met before. I feel lucky that I have several people in this category. I'm not sure whether its a sign that they will become great people, and by great I meant special/influential, whatever. Or whether they will just be very important to you or carry out some important task that's connected to your life. It might be all three, or it might just be crazy chemicals in your brain. But I feel science has already proved that chemicals in the brain aren't just rubbish - they're important. 

So why is it these people exist? I think they must serve some purpose that is interconnected with us in some way. Because every little thing is connected to and relies on, each other. Sometimes, moments in time, or physical places impact with us. These moments, so electrically charged with emotion and power, create us. Like the big bang, only they impact our personality, our life, our way of thinking. Sometimes it's a song or an object. But there are always moments, greatly happy in our memory or terribly sad. I can name several of mine. Most people will share common ones, like your first kiss or being in a car crash. Yet they still remain wholly ours. Completely individual.

These moments make us who we are. These magnetic people shape us. I'm sure your parents always told you, what you do will have consequences. And anything you do will have consequences, even something good you do could have bad consequences. The moments that impact us, it's what we do with them that ultimately makes us.

There are billions of possible futures, billions of possible paths we could be taken down. It is not the destination it is the Journey that is us. We have so many opportunities and there are so many moments that impact us. Be grateful for the good ones, and stay strong through the bad ones.




I'll post after exams!
Love
Kathryn xxx

And Action! (My Top 5 Quirky Movies)

Hey,
The weather here in Glasgow is set to pick up and I'm glad for the sunshine. Exams aren't too long away but the sooner they are over the better. So guys, I thought you'd like to here some of my top movies, this post being Quriky movies. Films that are young, maybe a bit weird, like that one wild older cousin we all have who has an unhealthy obsession with Vintage clothing. Here you go:


5) Youth in Revolt

Directed by Miguel Arteta in 2009, Youth in Revolt is a hilarious Drama/Romantic Comedy (although it's not overly romantic tbh) about Nick Twisp (played by the Young King of Comedy himself, Michael Cera) whose parents are on the verge of divorce. He sets his sights on his dream girl Sheeni Saunders (played by the wonderful Portia Doubleday) and desperately tries to get her to like him.

Seriously, everyone needs to see this. It is beyond hilarious, with a nice depth to it (suppose that's the slightly Romantic side). There are a few cringey moments however I can say it is pretty parent friendly as movies go nowadays. I watched it with my Mum and we both loved the film. It was uplifting and so funny. Michael Cera is amazeballs, as shown in Adventureland and many of his other movies. Credit has to be given where credit as due, as Portia is just brilliant! I cannot emphasise how much you all need to watch this, boys and girls a like.
Great for Dates and Summer Blues!!! Now go see it!

4) Silver Linings Playbook

Taking you forward to 2012, SLP is a beautiful movie directed by David O' Russell adapted from the novel of Sir Genius Matthew Quick. I would personally like to shake this mans hand. You sir, are a Genius. Embrace it. Saying this, I actually haven't read the Novel yet, however I will get round to it this Summer - It's on my reading list I swear!

After a period of 8 months in a Mental Institution, ex-teacher Pat Solitano (the gorgeous and talented Mister Bradley Cooper) returns to live with his parents, his father Pat Sr. (played by Robert De Niro). Pat finds that reconciling with ex-wife is going to be harder than he first thought, after the incident 8 months ago. He unintentionally seeks the help of quirky mysterious Tiffany (played by my girl-crush Jennifer Lawrence).

I thought this was going to be pretty off-the-wall and I didn't think my Dad would like it however he did as it wasn't as completely off-the-wall as would be expected. Sir Bradley Cooper is beautiful to look at (obviously) and his acting is impeccable, truthful and believable. I was crying with laughter at the beginning because the lines are so sharp and witty. A wonderful movie to watch, parent friendly and a nice change with the different topic and style compared to the usual boy-meets-girl crap nowadays. Personally, I would say Lawrence is at her best in this and certainly earned that Oscar. A Must-See. Perfect for Dates or Chilling out with some friends.

3) Midnight in Paris

Directed by Woody Allen in 2011, Midnight in Paris is one of those movies I have watched countless times. It's also one of my Dad's favourites. It's one for the Art lovers.
Gil (played by quirky Owen Wilson) is a successful writer who is struggling with his first Novel. He has travelled to Paris with his pretentious fiance Inez (played perfectly by one of my favourite actresses, Rachel McAdams) and they are joined by her parents who are on a business trip. Gil falls head-over-heels in love with Paris and wants to move there after they are married but Inez does not see the beauty of Paris. He goes for a walk at Midnight which changes his life - he is propelled back into the Revolutionary-Rich age of the 1920's and meets some of his heroes.

This is a wonderful movie! It highlights the beauty of Paris and the 1920's (one of my favourite time periods) in a perfect nostalgic way that's just so watchable. There are some good laughs especially the portrayals of Ernest Hemmingway (played hilariously by Corey Stoll) and Salavdor Dali  (played wonderfully by Adrien Brody). The big names only add to the ambiance as Marion Cotillard, another of my favourites, who plays Adriana is wonderful as is Tom Hiddleston who plays Fitzgerald and Michael Sheen who plays John (although we don't see much of the last two). Look out for Lea Seydoux - French model and Actress. 

It's lighthearted and more gentle than other films so it's perfect for Art Lovers and watching with the family.

2) Nick and Norah's Infinite Playlist

Let me take you back to the year of 2008, when Swine Flu was lurking about and the Shannon Matthews Case hit Britain over the head. Nick and Norah's Infinite Playlist directed by Peter Sollett and adapted from the Novel by Rachel Cohn, is a wonderful comedy that focuses on Music and Young Love. It's certainly one for Music Enthusiasts.

Band member Nick O' Leary (played by the wonderful Michael Cera - anyone else thinks he loves playing people called Nick??) meets Senior Norah Silverberg (Kat Dennings), an acquaintance of his recently-ex girlfriend, Tris. In the club, Nick sees Tris is with another guy and is amazed she could have moved on so quickly. After being dissed by Tris, Norah asks Nick to pretend to be her boyfriend in order to look cool. Throughout the film, Norah searches for her friend Caroline with Nick and his band, The Jerk Offs, help while they also look for the mysterious "Where's Fluffy?" concert. It is an awesome movie, on level 99 of Badassery (This Term Is Property Of Scott)

This film is one of the main reasons I love Michael Cera. Kat Dennings is wonderfully down-to-earth and the movie is quirky and a good easy watch. It's less parent-friendly in some places as there's a few references/scenes that may be not to their taste. It's a Must-See people! Perfect for Music Lovers and Sleepovers!

1) The Perks of Being a Wallflower

This is an epic movie. Based on the critically acclaimed Novel by Stephen Chbosky (who also directed it), The Perks of Being a Wallflower graced out screens in 2012. This is another one for Music Lovers however music is more of a theme. Logan Lerman plays Charlie, a mentally-troubled 15 year old trying to come to terms with the suicide of his best friend and the death of his Aunt Helen as he starts high school. He wishes to find a group where he belongs and finds this with Patrick (the epic Ezra Miller from We Need to Talk About Kevin) and his step-sister Sam (the beautiful and talented Miss Emma Watson). They unleash a different world for Charlie.

This is one of my absolute favourites. I've watched it countless times and the depth still gets me. Charlie's character is very easy to like and for me, he's very easy to connect with. Sam and Patrick also resemble some of my close friends. It's beautifully filmed and the acting is exceptional! Not really parent friendly due to some of the themes and the references but still a great movie. GO AND WATCH IT NOW!

Happy Movie Watching!
Love,
Kathryn xxx

Just Breathe

Hey,
So as I promised, I'm gonna give you stuff you actually want to read. Today's post maybe isn't as cheery as my favourite movies or best songs at the moment. But this post is very important. I actually came up with this post after watching the One Show last night.

A section of the show highlighted Lung Cancer. Most of us know little about it. It generally affects older people however it can still affect us young folk. And you don't have to be a smoker to get it: as a smoker you are 15 times more likely than non-smokers to die from the disease, but it can and does affect non-smokers. There is little awareness of the disease even although by 2015, it is predicted to be the biggest killer of European women, more so than Breast Cancer. Some of the common symptoms:

• A cough that lasts 2-3 weeks or a cough that gets worse. If it won't go away, get an appointment. It may be an ordinary infection but the earlier lung cancer is caught, the better the survival rate so better to be safe than sorry.

• Persistent chest infections
• Coughing up blood or sputum
• Breathlessness
• Tiredness/Lethargy
• Unexplained weight loss
• Chest/Shoulder pain

Less common symptoms include Finger clubbing (the ends becoming larger or curved), Wheezing, Swelling of the face, Fever, Pain when swallowing, Difficulty swallowing and a Hoarse voice.

Cancer affects not only the patient but their family too. It's something I have personally witnessed.  It can be difficult to tell your partner, children or other family members but there are many ways you can receive support. You may want to put off seeing a Doctor as you think it's nothing. Please please if you or a family member have any of these symptoms, make an appointment. It could just save your life.

For More Information on Lung Cancer:

http://www.macmillan.org.uk/Cancerinformation/Cancertypes/Lung/Lungcancer.aspx

For Further News on Cancer:

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/health-21945812

http://www.cancerresearchuk.org/cancer-info/news/archive/cancernews/2013-02-12-Lung-cancer-will-kill-more-European-women-than-breast-cancer-by-2015?ssSourceSiteId=ch&view=rss

If you would like to raise or donate money for MacMillan:

http://www.macmillan.org.uk/donate/

Best Wishes,

Kathryn xxx

Hello to New Beginnings

Hey,
It's been a while. I sort of have a thing for blogs but I neglect them. My last two weren't very positive, probably due to my bad state of mind at the time of composition. Yeah, maybe things are getting a little better, baby steps, one at a time. If you've not read my previous blogs, then Good. That means I can start afresh. If you have read them, then I suppose that could be a good thing too. You can see how far I've come since then, maybe?

Perhaps I should give a little background. I'm not gonna bullshit you. There's enough people in this world for that. Basically, yeah I'm kinda crazy. Bounce off the walls a lot. Not literally - that would be more fun. Ha ha. I get really upbeat then I get really low. I don't have a name for it. I'm sure there probably are hundreds of diagnoses that squeeze me into little brown boxes with nice clear white labels plastered on the front. I've been given different ones in the past, but that's not important. Giving conditions of the mind names can make you fearful of yourself. That is not a good route, I assure you.

I think I may be genetically predisposed to things like "depression" and "anxiety" but I'm unlikely to ever find that out in my lifetime and if I get the opportunity I'm sure I will turn it down. Everything has a trigger though. My Mum passed away almost a year ago now, I'd only just turned sixteen a few weeks before. I don't like my Birthday at all. I'm not going to get knee-deep in details. You don't need to know too much. She died, in a very horrific and painful-to-watch way and she still had time left but it was taken from her through Medical Negligence (which we are fighting to prove) and it makes me very angry, mixed up and numb. But mostly angry. No one likes being around me when I'm angry. Mostly because I say things that I usually regret and I'm not gonna lie, I feel like hitting people a lot.

I find it hard to describe my Mother in words. I'm not even sure how or where to begin. She smelled like warm coffee and slightly of flowers, although I can't narrow it down to a species of plant or anything. She had a difficult life. But she made mine wonderful, every day, just by being there. I'm not going to speak for my sister - this is not her words or her blog and I doubt she'll ever read any of this. But I know she felt what I felt about our Mother - there was something there that made you hopeful for humanity. All the wars and shootings and child abuse and scumbags you see every time the TV. is on and none of it stood a chance while such purity and kindness existed. It is a crime for it to be removed from this Earth with such brutality. However, I hope to find that again, in someone. Perhaps someone retains such a quality.

Jay does. I'm unsure how to tell you about Jay too. And perhaps I don't want to, just not yet. We all like to keep secrets to ourselves a little longer because they're ours, they're special and belong to us. I'll say one thing. He has the most beautiful blue eyes I've ever seen.


I think that's enough background for now. I wanted to talk about New Beginnings. They say the hardest thing in life is to say hello for the first time and goodbye for the last. I disagree. I think all Hellos are easy. It's the letting-go that is the hardest. I find it hard myself. I wanted to talk about this because everyone needs to know when something ends, something else always starts. That's not to say your ex-wife is gonna call you up tomorrow and beg for you back because she was stupid to be such a slut and cheat on you and leave you and take the kids. Sorry man. I think if you're looking for some comfort, this post can only help to a small extent. You're better trying Match.com. I'm in no way affiliated with them btw. Just saying...

I think had I told myself the New Beginnings line, oh say about two months back, I'd be in the hospital because I'd have beaten myself up. Badly. With a hammer. It's hard to think logically when your heart has been split in two, crushed underfoot and thrown against a concrete wall. Then it was forced down your throat, just enough so that every time you swallow, you feel it all coming back up, like that bad Chinese takeaway you had in December. Jokes aside, it really does feel like that. No amount of words can really repair that damage - I know that, you know that. So in no way am I going to take a superior outlook on this.

I can tell you how I've come to see the New Beginnings. This blog is proof of that. I'm going to try and give you useful information, stuff you actually want to read. Mix it up a little, yknow. But first I want you to sit back, stop pulling faces and please stop blubbering into your ice cream/vodka. By God, don't mix those together...
I've been in very low places, not too long ago. This is a kind of Catharsis hopefully to resolve all this anger and violence and rage bottled up inside. I can't say that I'll ever be fully cured from all this pain - I still have flashbacks on a loop, nightmares. I don't like hospitals and I don't trust Doctors or medical staff. I became ill of my own doing in February and the Doctor wanted a blood test. I freaked out. I don't think I'll ever really overcome that unless I get some gruelling expensive therapy, but I'm not ready for that yet.

You have to start by wanting New Beginnings. I know it took me a while to even want to live life. You have to look at everything. Look at your friends, your family, your lover. Your enemies. For some it takes five minutes. For others, months, years. Don't torture yourself because it gets you absolutely nowhere. This is just advice. I did. It didn't help but it made me feel better for a short while. I don't have all the answers right now. But if you're struggling. If you're grieving/upset/angry/ill/misunderstood. Stick with me. Stay with the blog. Just check it out every so often because perhaps one day, one post may help you. May comfort you. Or may just cheer your grumpy ass up.

So here's to fresh beginnings, hope and starting again. Screw New Year, we don't have to wait that long. Take a break, start afresh. Do what you feel is right.

Love and hugs,
Kathryn xxx